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I had slept earlier and had just had a reset power nap. I was doing fine. My energy was not ungrounded! But by the time I noticed this car I began feeling weird. By the time the jeep sped off toward London bound turn off I realised my energy was being pregnated with a drowsy feeling again!
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All that night for some reason almost every time I saw a 3.5ton van with a tail lift drive past me I almost fell asleep or went into some kind of trance moment?
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What started out as randomly finding intruders trespassing into my home now looks like possible Art Stealers attempting to whisk away works? Also 2 Stalkers I was not aware I had!
Needless to say that whole entire journey had been deeply unsettling! I took the risk and turned the camera on myself and made a short film called: As Though My Life Don't Matter!
I felt uncomfortable as a lorry with international plates drove passed me then hung behind me. I had long been suspicious the 2 stalkers that I caught on camera intruding into my home were possibly UK based European or international people and lorry drivers?
At a later point in my journey I just managed to catch sight of a very slim girl no longer driving artic but now behind the wheel of a 3.5ton van. I could feel not only a gaze but as though a pin was being driven through my butt through everything inbetween toward my left thigh! Perverted it felt like. Recently out of pure shock a defensive mechanism kicks into my imagination jam packs it with ideas of projective ways to thwart each passing problem driver. Normally, that is not what I do. I never grew up with any exhaustive knowledge of things like chakras or anything new age apart from learning about astrology...but with incidents of competitive anger any single drive I undertake any time I drive on a motorway almost every driver that drives passed me now seems unable to do so with out try to issue some form of attack or distraction or some kind of motion trying to explain themselves or something else? It feels like to me I'm seeing gangs of car drivers suffering from some kind of delusion or the other. Since when did anyone pass their driving test and be taught to distract and annoy and bombard with lights drivers who drive vehicles 40 ton and over? Which sane issuing authority whose intention is not to kill people would authorised any of its personnel or the general public to treat anyone that way? This ongoing experience feels like to me certain drivers have become convinced they are sending some kind message or are communicating something which is generally unfathomable to me at least. (Bit like my writing!!)😂 Recent trends have seen drivers driving past punching their mouths out - putting their fist in their mouth seen if you observe a driver as the pull infront of you. Another one is a raised arm with a bent elbow. Raising arm and curling thumb and index finger to left side of their heads. what's that all about? Until either one these occurrences began happening every time someone drove past me and then each time a drive acted out these weird motion and I felt my energy pulled toward each driver that gesticulate that way did I realise how incidious each incident hand become especially when I could see and feel specific drivers waiting till they caught me attention to play out an incidious act!
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Driving is hard enough and does not need any added fuckery! Work ing as a driver and trying to keep up with anxiety filled trauma based is bad enough for my brain and for me in general. Like with all my other creative works in not here to shout down anybody. I remain as galvanised filled with hypocrisy and as flawed as ever opportunist and bad ass whether I intend to be or not...and I don't intend to be I love a hassle free honest truth life and communication. Old age keeps me busy enough I need to no other challenges, thank you very much!
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Media and most of all social media as said before is part of our daily lives and is the most recent way to help grow business and advertise products. Even though it does not completely replace the door to door face to face contact needed to really to get products and services sold!
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Once using social media be it building project boards or liking works of influencers/content creators/or anyone healing generations of pain especially legally everybody has a way of contacting somebody! I say that with the emphasis being on safety or being able to be contacted safely! Though you never know what might happen to you once you do take to liking or sharing somebody elses work with no ill or bad intentions, or what might happen to you when you are genuinely moved by the words, experiences, products, or services or expertise of others!
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To continue with the topic of distracted whilst driving and possible attempts by some to normalize stalker activity!
I'm going to get very creative: Summer 2021 for me seemed like Competitive Jealously à la carte!
I tried not to allow any deliberately distracting/possible destructive drivers to distract me or trigger me! It has not been easy it has been extremely tough!
Out of the back of nowhere a character emerged that I have decided wrong or right with all due respect to refer to as a: Mr Worm Bowl! Because I don't think that it was a Mister=Man I was seeing in my offside mirror as I was driving, I think it was a woman...and I also think the "population" of a variation of a theme of faces that all of sudden I felt forced to notice dates back to a dangerous pattern of what seems like a passive form of stalking I first experience when I first left home and went live in Kennington around about 1982.
Though the "disguise" of this individual looked familiar - famously familiar to someone else. I have experienced too many mind games and too many stalker types appearing to be in the same vicinity which hopefully is something of nothing. Having experienced competitive jealousy hardly anything can be trusted not even someone who appears to look like someone I may have given a thumbs up to on social media!
The individual that appeared to appear was a very well dressed van driver for some reason it would seem as the sun had risen and the day got bright there this character was somehow managing to drive at an angle, as if their very long slim arms were curve holding a huge bowl and outstretched at the same time perched on their seat looking up into my mirrors as though they were about to jump into my cab!😳🤯it had all felt quite intimidating for awhile! It was definitely unwanted attention for me at least. This individual was always smiling and look like they were definitely try to communicate with me. But whilst I'm driving? Why would you want to do that? Or feel the need to continue to feel to be distracting almost passively antagonistic 40ton in weight of a vehicle which is from 13 to15ft high why wouldn't that compute to somebody as something not to do? Why would that not be seen as potentially dangerous unless it is and is being carried out as a form of slow attempts of murder? What could possibly going wrong with that person the inability to hide something any longer? Worst yet for the 2nd time this is an individual who had a similar look to me, but there again that could be plastic surgery or part of the disguise of the "big act!" they be using or trying get away with? Everytime this driver finished their threatening behaviour toward me whilst driving around me. Once they took off up the round I don't know why but I would feel like a hollow feeling or sense of abandonment, like a feeling of failure and loss as though I was to blame. Though there was a strong sense of knowing something around this individual they just seem to pose a real threat and maybe an even greater risk? Maybe they are Somebody who just doesn't know how to communicate something they really need to share or would just like to share? Maybe they are just a bully from back in the day I don't recognise?
COARSE WORK: Can you see and feel how utterly exhausting this is? Living in the dark so to speak? I'm almost to scared to say that for what anyone might do to put me the dark because the overall situation remains very retaliatory. Since mentioning these strange scenarios of drivers doing strange stuff in mirrors whilst driving past me, though this is not just happening to me. Came home to find the mirror in the communal lift had come off the fixtures in lift!😖mad coinincide eh!
Whilst back in the day before I was stalked my response might have been different just due to naivety and the hope that in connecting to new people would be really positive and not end in the deceit and danger stalking is!
For being stalked to be allowed to get to the point where almost every moment of every day is at some point one way or the other controlled and predicted is exhausting and it is a moment to moment battle to remain sitting on my hands! But that is part of the reaction wanted. I am not going to lie at all so many times I have nearly lost it!
I do not want to shrink for my responsibility for the way I respond but I feel forced into the anger I feel I am deliberately made to feel which remains very organized, acute, and even intimate physically, sexually, passive aggressively psychologically violently possible in some cases psychotically done! Its beyond hatred the need of it all. The need for it all to be done day in day out.
Does the need to cause someone else to have a nervous breakdown come from someone or a group of individuals who are in the midst of constantly having a nervous breakdown which they are constantly trying to disguise and normalise?
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When does that moment come when she finally realises that you are not what she or he accused you of Being? When do they move on get treated recover and find closer and eventually leave you alone so you can finalise closure and continue getting on with your life?
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A lack of closure or support for all domestic abuse incidents ongoing or otherwise if ignored or not within a legal category in one form or the other can feel like the level of violent abuse that was forced upon you is not valid and just something you should accept as part of everyday living despite the medical damage it can do to you!
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I will state this again:
After about 4 years not working driving in the transport industry which was stalker related. Don't business now it was just too much of a set up of coincidence that it would the same possible person who would be telling me there is no work would years later be getting me started again and giving me work again. Maybe by now im far to jaded and hurt by what has been going on.
In 2014 returning to job was rough. It was not just a case of someone looking like an imp in there nearside mirror. It was as though the whole social housing estate took off after me every driving shift I completed. As if that was not enough who so ever this gang of drivers where they would pull infront of the lorry weight from 40ton up to 16ft in height. To this day I do not why other than morbid jealously!
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When it comes to calling up of normalisation. I feel I experience that as an experience spread out and more likely used and quite possibly issued by someone with a brain or behaviour that just cannot change for whom there is no way out. No response to any kind of treatment or any punishment therefore no possible possibility of recovery. A person like that may have accrued a level of bravado which any ordinary responsible may find very difficut
to negoitiate. As anything they cause abuse or disrupt a person with will be quashed in their mind or authority as nothing to be resisted or suffered. Because this type of person may not have any kind of brain function that will enable them to respond emotionally to the feelings or anguish which their actions or responses can possibly cause another. All their responses to whatever harm or crime they commit against others to them is felt as better to be dealt with by making their victim or survivor do all the work of adjusting to what they do rather than them taking the responsibility on themselves, as an individual, collective of individuals such as: a family/cult/group/sect! It comes across as a deep seated fear hidden behind order, duty, or the creation and cause of very blatant destruction and ongoing chaos!
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Was returning home recently shortly after I filmed #asthoughmylifedontmatter where I talked about being continually unessecarily forced to be faced with drivers constantly bombard with pestering style light flashing. Only to be leaving town and for a 101 police van to come up beside me and carry on with the same shit to be blunt. Now due to this experience I cannot confirm or deny the vehicle marked up vehicle was actual marked driven by a properly trained officer could have been anybody else driving. About 6-700 miles away about 24 later same crap same cold and chilly feeling of lights impacting flesh how that happens I don't know. I don't know it is as though someone is tryimy leak a could to me but why? I am not interested being forced to observe police in a marked car or unmarked car. Why should I be forced into forcisation over it. But that has been the continual subtlety of ongoing psychological abuse. Why give such information away? Old age is enough as far as I am concerned. But that kind of ongoing police pressure has be pressure since 2007 to 2014 after which time holding thumb to index finger seemed to mean to silence. But why would it be a necessary for any to shut me up? Why would what I say or film be so bothersome that they will have to react to me in such a threatening way? These are people that go out of their way to come find me so they can use whatever their illness or disorder to abuse me? Why is there always that ugly need to use force and not respect an individual's choice? Something went wrong around 2006 think thats the right years when I just seemed to built up as a threat to people, without mistaken identity it would appear being considered. That abuse has since become more and more blatant. Between cyclist motorbike rider catching sight of me driving then automatically maybe hypnotically leaning or almost falling off their bikes. Or doing the one handed ride as they pass me on road?
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Though it had crossed my mind before it only recently became solidified in my head that the level of violating behaviours I have been forced to experience not only appear to be on the scale of an intimacy and grudge seeking revenge stalker but it also feels like possible dangerous sex offenders, and those that defend them or make it very easy for them to have a legal defence!
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Natural Flowism
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A Freedom of Being!
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