Incest(Sexual Rape) Leading to Emotional Incest (non sexual) which Leads to Emotional Abuse in the Home and in Wider Society! Incest Interviews...draft only

A work in Progress...

I cannot tell you...as if I am speaking to somebody else...how Thankful and Grateful I am to be awake this morning!

This may not be an easy read or blog to write especially given the mass grief being endured at this time during the Covid-19 global pandemic.

However, I am grateful to be able to follow the leads in the title at this time...and my heart and thoughts are with all those who are losing or have lost loved ones. For your strength may heaven and earth open and bestow you with all you need to continually heal, survive, and be strong.

I will continually publish this blog unfinished because if I don't I lose the content. It has not been possible to save and hold content in draft.

This blog was created as another live view. Every few paragraphs published!

What I publish here is the non-clinical version of my memories, perceptions, and descriptions of my experiences during the very earliest parts of my childhood. Experienced among blood relatives. Where patterns of all kinds, and levels of torturous violence including child labour had been established as normal, a very, very long time before I and my parents were even born!

None of my childhood was experienced away from home in any kind of institution as far as I can remember though visits to the Doctor, Hospitals, 

and Outpatient Clinics were all part of my childhood experiences. Gratefully, and Thankfully So!

It is never an easy thing or a light decision to make to choose to write about abuse in a family context. Or feel you have to do so just to save yourself, and help yourself survive from whatever continuum of abuses occur, may be, or become!

Within my work I refer to my own childhood experiences when referencing family relating I relate to my own childhood of abuse prior to pregnancy in my late teens, and Motherhood from my twenties.

It is a hard road to travel make no mistake about that, but not because it is has to be that way. It equally needn't be hard at all! 

However, it can feel like it is never over!

 

You get away. But then, you need to figure out how to make the best but sometimes hard decisions about how you are going to stay away, and be able to survive by always trying to find the most independent decisions for yourself which will continually change and heal you, and your life into a better time and space  which is much clearer, and much, more truthful better place than from where the abuse you were forced to endure, and suffer originated from.  

Whether you like it or not you were hurt, and sadly enough unintentionally and unwittingly for some survivors of abuse just by the share act of survival you may end up inevitably hurting someone else. Not necessarily by a deliberate or violent act of harm. But just by the way you had to move on, to get on with your own life!

Sadly,  there are going to be alot of people inbetween that moment when you needed to move on that you end up unintentionally hurting. Not because you want too hurt them..  But if you are young and very niave yourself, you may not have any other strategy other than symptoms such as oppositionsl defiance and ignorance to protect yourself by, or survive with! 

Even if you had grown up with people, and knew them your whole life before moving on. Does not mean they know or have the capacity to understand your exeperiences of abuse. Some of the people inbetween you staying put or moving on may get hurt bcause they just don't understand your childhood experience, are incapable of understanding such truth or just do no know the full story, and again they also may not be well enough too!

Re-editing will continue after this point.

I am hedging a guess that my energy may stick around on this page for awhile.

I made a point almost 30 years ago now to go and get help for the rape/sexual incest I had experienced. I was fearful for the effects of that will have on my ability as a parent. 

That kind of therapy enabled me to gain enough confidence to get ahead. Because prior to achieving a self-referral. My mind and nervous system was boggling out of control. 

I was living in Notting Hill in West London in the mid to late 1980's. I was ambitious and just beginning to find myself, as an individual whilst also negotiating Mothethood which I absolutely loved.

After I had worked through sessions of rape crisis group counselling, I felt it was so good and so informative. I literally felt I could take on the world, in my personal world. As a lone parent  felt I could see our pathway ahead much more clearly. But that was true only for a certain amount of time.

In hindsight there was alot I didn't see or take into consideration. Simply because I was too young, trusting, and incredibly niave as a result.

During sessions with the group I met other survivors. Heard stories of women and men who couldn't ever escape or get away from the families members they were raped by, not only as a child but by males in the families who still continued to hold onto their lives in a need to continue to rape, so even their days of childhood abuse was never over because there seemed to be no way out for them to heal. The rapists mind couldn't not change which may mean brain care and also the area of other disorders mentally/personality were prolonging suffering and inhibiting, and debilitating  the ability to get effective help and support for the long term from being depending by the same family members who had also abused.

The effects of my early life on me as an individual and as a Mother has never stop having some kind effect on our lives!

It has continued to dominate me everyday even though I had left home. At times it was easy to constantly work so I could get out of the home, try and earn somekind of money, and try and have some fun as a family, and in my younger date and hopefully find a way to find a man I could happily love. At that point in my young life thankfully I had not known the full extent of the hatred of a stalker. I still had enough strength and belief somebody good true healthy and honest will come my way.

I manage to create and have some happiness which I am so grateful for. 

It is not that I am not aware that life is challenging generally for everybody. So many other people are facing worse than what I have ever known. I learnt that in Rape Crisis Group counselling. Which instilled so much Compassion within me toward what others were forced to face and Gratitude to realise to be able to have survived what I had been forced through!

I write as a self-portrait artist refering always to myself and my own experience and abuse in a family context. I choose to use myself and my life as an example and basis for my own healing and research, and I hope and pray that my life experience what I have learnt and am yet to learn can inspire the life journey of others, hopefully to not suffer as I did.

So whilst my writings may come across as me-me or she is only thinking about herself. Yes! I am! That is what this Self-Potrait Artist does! Not to be Selfish but to be open and strong enough to show it is possible to be weak enough to admit you are challenged, or are being challenged, and are still weak enough to be strong enough to overcome all that challenges!

Living in a Sun room I have no complaints. Except I wish I could pick it up and take it all to some other place.

Where?

Somewhere where I do not hear what sounds like a timely siren. 

Is that referring to those who carry large boom boxes in sports bags?

Yes!

Recently, I sat pouring over old photos of my younger days when I was so in awe of life a time spanning 1980's and the 1990's. I was searching myself to find where the emotional connection was. Where had I placed my emotional connectors?

For too long I have not been a get up and get fully dressed and be ready to start the day type of person at all. Though I never wanted to be the kind of survivor which a stalker could orientate. That is exactly, it feels like what has occurred! The emphasis being on the "feels like" that is not truth but it does burgen on a part of my reality!

So where were my emotional connectors or where did I derive or emerge in emotional connection?

I was probably the closest child to my Mother at one time. I spent a lot of time away from school sitting by my late Mothers side as she sewed what seemed like a neighbourhood and church community full of clothes designs. She never received enough credit for her creative brilliance though I did at least try to tell her as much. As I research my past with the Intention of healing myself in the present. I am now so grateful I realised and remembered  the years and copius hours I sat beside my late Mothers side as child as she talked endlessly about all the years of her own abuse. Though as a child I did not fully realise tgat is what she was talking about. I perceived her experiences as being life in general and not effects of diseased damaged defective behaviour which needed to receive some kind of treatment. She had lived through an absolute hell which everytime I think of it now there just aren't enough words to explain. Little did I know her hell and the things she said to me would be like a premonition for my own life.

...and again that is my perception of my own life. I am just talking on my own life as an individual. I am fully aware that what say or remember at this point in my life may or may not havd a wider affect possibly on others.  But there is no intention to be attacking as there is nothing to be gained in attacking body for me. My early life and subsequent experiences have at times been acrimonious and complicated to say the least which has left very intense and complex feelings which needs to be processed in some way. However, I have committed yet again to another level of being free from who or what I feel has bound my life. 

#edited so far

Searching myself for the emotional connections within myself is how I do it. 

Especially, admist receiving noise as patterns of pestering noise nusiannces and in general negoitating abuses in others individuals as something to overcome!

Now that just didn't make a whole lot of sense.

Sitting by my Late Mothers side or being in the same room as her playing with thread bobbins during hour upon hour of creative production is a memory that fast forward from late 1960's to 2020 has long caused me conflict which I often forget is mangled with my own now creative ambitions and many failures!

Many failures to even get started or to complete a task or tasks started. That is coupled with brain related care mostly.

Sometimes going through the same or similar abuses as someone else can lead to people forming a strong bond. But not always. In my life experience it has led to all out clashes...leaving me feeling its much better for me to negotiate myself away from those still the throughs of abuse, and who also experience other issues such as being unable to let go. Gulliable to an abusers persuit not able to not respond to bribery or excessive stalker style needs which are not about love. They may not even be about attacking a person or sexual desire. But there approach, wish, or demand is very emotionally damaging and constantly emotionally abusive!

It is the invisible silent one

The intention of care that doesn't heal anyone anywhere!

Even the proclaimation of having so much money to be able to help somebody specific with...yet that person is broke and poor living humiliated accused and battered without showing who or where those bruises have come from. Their life an inspiration even if willing - though not offered up for further abuse. That person is seen as needing to bend and to be the only one who needs to mend in the social or family setting for things to be normal and run smooth again! Negating how the effects of abuse and how each individual needs to heal. The worst of that along side the constant need to intrude is the whole older thing...

"What is that...you are old now so what going to do? Cha...make take over...and then it is

back to a type of emotional or even material ownership?"

Ok im flowing and picking mistakes when i see them but obviously my brain goes to lunch often without me and takes half the alphabet proper sentences and paragraphs with it!

The good thing is whilst laughter at the wrong place and time can be very emotionally abusive leaving life long effects in others...which is no laughing matter bloopers do make for good laughs in other ways. Though it can take years to rationalise laughter or Wrong laughter. Time changes life and it can occur what was originally attached to wrong laughter can change into what no longer bothers!

I haven't forgotten this work...I just need to go over the previous part then Ill be back to tidy up...it so important to write and get things out of your system. As a result of opening these blogs I was able to feel my way to my confidence...during the writing of this blog before I stopped and went about my business see my way much clearer. Finally finished a ringtone and single. Which I am hoping will be published soon.

Before I went away just now amid writing this blog...before...literally I felt like the front of my head was continually braiding itself. I felt like I was slipping thought process. You know what that truth was...I hadn't been eating properly. I think I was suffering from some kind of extension to a panic attacks I experience before going out sometimes. I had enough food but possibly not enough fluid even though I was drinking and sipping half pints of herbal tea. I don't  know feel completely fine now though despite not having had much sleep, but a hearty breakfast consisting of blue berries 1st a banans 2nd strawberries 3rd raspberries 4th x2 pots of fruit based no sugar no fat yoghurt topped with chocoatle granola and a sprinkling of almond, pecan, and brazil nuts followed by 3 slices of bacon microwaved then topped with chopped spring onion and tomato microwaved then put olive oil in a bowl then crumbled veggie cube for seasoning 1st  then put sourdough bread on top olive oil and sprinkled veggie cube the cracked 2 eggs on top of bread and then added a little more olive oil to help cook it in microwave on lowish setting for about a 1:10 minutes, then added bacon with tomato and spring onion on top the egg and bread! Tasted great just added a couple of twist of dry mixed peppercorns and I was away. Not suggesting this as a healthy meal. My portions maybe have been to large...but I do feel like I have eaten just enough and not too much...so grateful for food...

Incest/Trespass/Intrusion! draft

Yesterday 18/05/2020 felt like I was going to be forever churning out the back cupboard of a history of child sexual abuse. 

Whilst I am in no doubt I am strong enough to get back on track and keep moving forward despite whatever trigger may present itself within me in whatever variety of forms that may be.

I decided to open the conversation with myself anyway just so my sub-conscious always knows I am open to clearing the pathways from my brain to my heart soul and through to and beyond my spirituality process so nothing can build up or becomes stale or fermented by paranoia or a lack of understanding for appropriate responses and allocation of responsibility.

Thank Goodness that is what showed up for this Grateful morning because to get stuck down the rabbit hole of never going to be allowed out is the most unholy mess for anyone religious, spiritual, or without any kind of faith. It hurts everyone and anyone equally without exception or exemption! Be notified and advises of that!

The fact that I braved up and faced up to the fact the part of my lifes journay is that I bounced to earth got raped was supposedly loved during that period. I was definitely well cared for as a child materially and medically...without a doubt I have always been grateful for that. Whilst I never agreed with the perception of the religion at the time my spirituality was activated as a result of that introduction. Just like with being made to learn Music. It was a great introduction to a  level of commerce and a potential direction of monetary abundance for future success that unfortunately I was not fully aware of at the time neither could I see because eventually all my attention energy and mentally became constantly distracted and embroiled in try to get over it all! 

Even to this day I try and step on without taking time to replenish myself. Sometimes somehow I feel like even taking time to write will drag me back to where I didn't want to go. But infact it is doing exactly the opposite. It is allowing me to see more clearlt. I could hardly see it let alone say previously in most of my works.

I was very well looked after as a child materially not without alot of blood sweat tears and copious hours of hard work and due diligence carried by my late parents.

I could barely see or say that before so covered in and distracted by the scrumage and battering of abuse at the time and distractions since.

I was very well looked after as a child medically most of all though my persona could never show it at the time. As I grew from cradle to teenage in my late parents house. I became less gregarious by nature as the level of responsibility of the life ahead of me dawned on me...especially the fact though I was skill I was completely ill equipped by perception and the ability to see how fully I could have utilised myself, my mind...quietly I had the deepest gratitude for the gravity of responsibility  my parents found themselves dealing with. Despite that I never made peace with either of my parents  before they returned to their souls journey from wherever they were prior to coming to earth to experience life with us as their children.

It is a hard and horrible thing when even if you feel love or gratitude or even just taking a moment off to feel chilled out gentle and tender but to express that can trigger danger!

Hence spiritual awakenings and self awareness which opens you up to learning to understand when to trust where and when it would be save to return home to that safe space of the tender gentle chillout without the expectation that no one else will look after you in that space the way you percieve or want too but you. 

However, whilst I am still on that journey of knowing and learning how to percieve and know I am safe. I do recognise by paying attention to that and trying to keep that at a constant level awareness. That knowledge intention attention and process will surely help change levels of vibration and the orientation and direction of what life attracts.

That might sound easier said than done to someone who can barely get down the street or even out of their front door without be chirpsided, confronted, or accosted in someway. But the truth is it is something that needs to be in you internally. 

The amount of times I have written and written my woes and how much it pissed me off vexed etc...and from that written how deeply I felt and how I'd like to feel left the page forgotten about the page. Then find the page and realised I had changed and that area which had hurt before no longer held the same trigger for me.

But whilst I opened the conversation about incest and feel better for. Am now able to say I was born to two very creative and skilful people who went on to become taken with religion...including that as part of my perceptio has helped me enormously as I spent many hours as a child wondering how diferent life may have been had they just purely lived a life as artist. 

Whilst I can come to that level of freedom about my past. There is still another couple of conversation I need to open within myself...simply because whilst in the process of surviving and just living things get pushed aside. Plus there is that area of what is inevitable which cannot always be a positive experience. 

To lead a life of real quality I have come to realise...to enjoy love and life fully is to be aware of the internal relationship you have with you brain. Is your brain able to transmit and translate and allocate the accurate information to the correct area it is supposed to be perceived? Big stuff to me on my life journey. Thankfully!

Regarding the brain transmitting correct information and what the means to me. Especially as during the course of surviving abuses and menopause things life events relationships and circumstances can all become disoriented and trying to make sense in all the wrong places.

Recently began listening to podcast which I have not yet completed...and all I heard was the banks print money due to current crisis etc! Well! My head with the brain still inside it...took off on one curse excursion! How the rass you can have the power to print money and people in the nah have na money? Hmmm....true say I don't know or understand the full context of the banks and what was fully explained in that podcast which is why I won't name it here just in case I get it wrong but I tweet @naturalflowism. I need to go back and fully understand this thing. Correct or not this is why my brain questions what the effect of incest is still having on the decision making processes of the world? Simply because I have witnessed the areas of cruelty of those which live with or make life decision from a brain disease or damage of personality and very restrictive  mental ordering and compassion. Again I am choosing to use informal terminology to get this out of my neck!

Seriously unbelievable to me if it is true that part of the universal abundance is the creative ability to print the very currency we need which will make freely means such as specialist areas of care in medicine readily and freely available to especially brain care which will inevitably change and  boost the economy because less people will be trapped in traumatic abusive behaviour patterns as victim/perpetrator/survivor. It just doesn't make sense. Surviving Covid-19 world consciousness must have or must begin to change toward less feae and more proactive thinking. On personal level going through menopause for most woman is a wake up call. I became completely blindsided first in general as you get older you generally  realise what you didn't see so clearly when you were younger. 

But the lack of ability to see fully, and more clearly, around at least most bends and corners almost had left me for good. I felt like I was literally holding onto a ledge with a bottomless fall if I had let go.

The Brain and its ability to works correctly is significant, and important to each and every individual on this planet whilst we are here without exception or exemption. So is the function and decision making of any of us who are affected by decision making processes which are affected by anything in anyway dysfunctional by personality disorder. I swear and declare from my birth to this day that the world, this planet, and the universe is limitless in its abundance!

I know for myself as a creative I can at least make things to generate a homebased income. It has been my exasperation and frustration the amount of time it has taken to get my brain and mind healed so I can correctly connect to myself emotionally so  I could do what I need to do with constantly messing it all up.

So it is not an easy or straight forward path to get things right on life or business which reflects life by product, montetary demands, and other goods and services.

So...underneath my vex curse excursion about money and what I have not as yet fully listened too so I could fully understand...is the facing up to the experience of trespass and intrusion!

Trespass and Intrusion not always seen as a crime due to technicalities in law? Again how clinically correct that is I do not know but in any given situation in life there are a myriad of scenarios which may have complex reasons and people behind them!

It started in 2006/7...or I should I began to really feel it fully and notice it more since that time. But I remain concern it had been along time behaviour pattern of someone who possibly needed treatment for bravado and a habit possibly stemming restriction or burdensome responsibility placed on them at too young of an age.

Moved in the Waterloo East area 2006. Shortly after my energy changed. It felt like I was continually be attacked by grips of absolute fear. Generally, not when I was connected to my life and planning for my future. But since the night that helicopter first appeared. After things were beyond bizzarre.

In a world where you must take responsibility for your own actions is believed to be the most responsible. I found trying explain somebody elses illness and possible criminal behaviour almost impossible. Without evidence...what evidence do you have...and other really defiant scenes created as though it was believed I knew something which of which I didn't.

There was a bit of a warning in hindsight in 2004. But I had no way of knowing with the level of knowledge I had a the time what was going to transpire and last for years.

You could live your life as diligently as you like with all the best intentions in the world. But if some who is very sick underhand and stealthly turns up some near you with intention to affect and destroy your efforts without tou realising that was their original motive. You go on living you life with the best intentions, and so does the person with the sicj intention to destroy the good you have made.

All I new is something was wrong and we were being financially targeted. I could do little to stop or stem the tide of disbelief. I became ever more nervous to leave home. I was not a celebrity. I had published a few poems and put them online. But was not widely known as I didn't have my picture online like I do now.

I knew I was neing stalked again. Was concerned it was linked to being stalked before by someone I once knew. But this time it felt evil. It was though the person or persons behind it thinking back on it now felt like they may have been incapable of compassionate feelings...and wanted me fully exposed for what I don't know because incest is enough in before you are forced into. I knew nothing before I was forced to learn their ways and begin the journey to be myself and not what others had forced me into and tried to force me to become.  

It just isn't a one way journey or street. Just as being one of many siblings isn't especially where there is problematic behaviours including rape which hurts other people. The problematic behaviours especially if stuck prolong the suffering of others. What back in the day may have been rape which may have created an additional families. Can go onto to become an all out war to try and gain protect and preserve a financial present and future. To stay in such financially restrictive emotionally distracting abuses can mean a loss of self and the ability to be responsible. Even if you get out and try to live freely...not try to revenge anyone but just try to get on. It does not stop those who are hurt or who to take responsibility for their own treatment. Nothing stops them from persuing for their own jealously and pain, sadly enough which come back to whether the brain after abuses can direct you to the best perception which will allow you to fully recover and heal.

I don't know who the intruders are that trespassed into my home. But all I remember is after 2006 September. A short time after I felt like the absolute piss was being taken out of everytime I left home. By 2007, it felt somebody had approached other driver or people in the haulage industry and were encouraging possible to view them breaking into my home/trespass/intrusion. My whole private life felt like a tourist attraction! Emotionally and Psychologically I felt constantly violated to be honest.

It was very clear to me there was a disconnect to emotion in who so ever was seeking that level of condescending style of antics and revenge. The only good thing I eventually realised is that they either were a crowd pleaser and loved attention so everyone they groomed would someday be a potential witness. Even though their level of fear at being caught felt incredibly projective to me at least. The fear that I might just go on to be even more successful held unspeakable levels of ill intention jealously and hate. I became so weak by each realisation. I stopped caring for myself unintentionally my health...and never wanted to feel or look attractive ever again. That is what I felt like during those periods of time.

But despite writing about it all over and over again. It would still take me many years to realise and understand the systematic patterns of actions that were being directed toward me, and the steps I needed to take and am still learning to take.

It felt like who so ever was behimd this kind of personal attack was prepared to use anybody to achieve their aims.

Lack of proof

Lack of proof

And I was the biggest goof because all I had was a lack of proof, and they had long plan to do grew!

And all I would ever have was a lack of proof and even if I had proof it was heading right back to my sick sexually mentally and emotuonally abusive childhood where I'd be blamed anyway regardless of what I went on to do. Where I was naturally the filth scruge and scum whether I had got up and done something or not.

It began all over again endless panic attacks just at the thought of having to go out. I would get later and later, weaker and weaker until one point I was so near collapse I had to call the agency and blowout the shift just moments before i was supposes to be on site.

Despite all the jealously and abuse I loved what I did for a living, and all I had achieved as a Woman and a Mother...because I was in a sector of business with great opportunities. Eventually, overtime I could better see my own health and others and know how cruelty and prejudices can make opportunity seem almost non-existent. But not only that another financial disruption certainly for me was jusy being able to get on with a job without becoming personally involved. Returning to keeping things very professional after having made regrettably dreadful mistakes which I can happily forgive and forget but evidently there are some who cannot! 

I became so scared indoors I would run around trying tidy up or disarrange things only to fund however I left my which had no secruity cameras or uncovered windows. No matter how I left my home by the time I either got to street level or to work to which ever company I was based at. A scene from my home how so ever I left my belonging would be replicated! It disgusted me. Which vibrationally and energetically felt like it slung me off my life course.

It felt a level of intimidation and deep pyschological maybe even pathological rage being played out which felt like it was being well supported and even funded.

I lived distraught feeling constantly uncomfortable. Eventually barely going out and found myself slung out and barely able to earn money. The effects of those times still haunt me to this day though I am working harder and harder to remain calm and overcome the constant triggers despite have move twice since it all began!

Lack of proof

Lack of proof

Even with some proof im accused.

Seening a collection of random things which look like my belongs replaced in a street scene somewhere it is hard explain a style of burglarly/trespass/intrusion possibly developed from intimate stalking abuses.

During these time loved ones were robbed abroad. Things have gone missing and unfamilar things have appeared. It feels like the very knowledgeable walk of those that know how to walk inbetween the lines of the law just by the very nature of their disorder!

It was to take me from 2006/7 till 16/02/2020 to finally catch intruders trespassing into home!

But I found it. It was just pre-covid-19. So even though reported images and videos are not the clearest. I have been advised to make further reports if I can gather more substancial evidence and witness reports. I felt it best to advise all who maybe affect close by. It has been enough for me to know i was not going barmy all those years ago when I knew in my heart of hearts in my gut and in my water somebody was breaking/bumping and banging their way into my property. 

Years ago between 2009-2013. I had been getting up and falling down trying to get a home based business off the ground with little and nothing. I  needed to energy to be appropriately directed toward my emotions so I could make a vibrational successful universal connection. But I would return home to find my minute efforts distrubed.

There seemed to me an unsual pattern of behaviour. Once I moved from where the incidents began or continued possibly since childhood, things stepped on a bit since I moved. It would appear my ability to just try and get on with life wasn't enough. 

The trespassers/burglars/intruders stemmed a pattern of not just distrubing my home by their intrusion. But by 2009 the situation or I became highly psychically stressed oit or connected. I would return home to find I would feel drawn to look a cupboard or draw only to find items of clothing etc with about a half an inch cut in it...and that would be accompanied by something or someone in the surrounding area. I would got out and leave the kitchen area spotless only to return home to a pattern of screws being removed from the draws! 

It was and is almost soul destroying and mind boggling. Because as is known all jealous behaviour can be hard to understand or digest among normal healthy happy people.

 The continued stress of trying to convey there is a growing danger especially if loved ones are already delicate by nature or the effects of  nurture - levels of survival where health can be maintained providing the delicacy of persons energy and mind is not triggered by the negative deeds and energy cause by the unwanted intrusions of the jealous wickedness and diseased cruelty and disorder of a stalker, or stalkers.

Especially, when or if it stems from ex's who threaten to abuse you years earlier in your life. Threaten to come between you and your children of it were possible...and years later you are over them...mind your own business getting on with your life next thing you know they've built an entourage around to systemically keep up the very same antic regardless of where you moved too!

Exhausting!

I am not claiming either that anything I have been gifted with in life to learn from...Good or Bad Abusive or Not is the worst ever case. There is much worse suffering in the world than I have ever known.

It just helps me remain well to give it the time it takes for me to share those experiences and open the converstation within about how I feel about regardinf what I have been through! 

Life is a gift no matter confusing painful and hard it is for us to live through!

We are here on earth to learn find gratitude and open our mind and hearts to be Thankful no matter what!

The journey to learning about maintaining a healthy brain is quite liberating. Its taking me a lot longer than I expected but is giving me what I have always wanted!

Natural Flowism

A Freedom of Being!

Blessings and Love!

 

Incest interviews...part 1 completed

...but I will only be interviewing   myself. 

(The Q&A will not all be that visible as q&a but as a form of Alternative Training this blog can be used as research. Please note all questions are retorical only! Please do not stalk me to try answer them!)

This is the second time I am starting this blog because I had literally just felt healed by writing the first draft which I didn't get a chance to save because the phone locked up and became burning hot. I pressed restart and lost the entire draft!

(Now that gives way to me updating this blog all day long)

I became stuck as to where the side of my business which relies on my personal experience and inner healing being the content maker behind the business, was supposed to go next.  Healing from abuse in a family context has become the driving force for freedom within all other areas of my life, including business. All of which is created for the purposes of personal growth to create changes in the present, and in the future for betterment. I became stuck as to where my literature should go next. In fact, I was trying not to write for a while...and I ended up feeling so clogged up, exhausted, and broken down!

I just could not hide from any of it any longer. Not that I was ever trying too!

Life happens

You have got to make a living!

Time goes by 

Thoughts and feelings go a rye and then you end up feeling warn out, spent, weakend, and possibly even addicted, if you cannot unplug what you have become all clogged up about! With at times nowhere to go but bitterness, hate, rage, and that which can mean all out damage! Damage which can eat craters into your body, your energetic system, and most of all your mind and your brain which is an extremely important area and vital organ of your overall good health!

This is live view style

Just like a book in progress real feed from me as I tackle all of my demons which I have wrongly or correctly attached or have experienced due to incest or my own brain health.

The whole point of all my work is that I heal and get better even if I am sharing each level of my healing publicly be that by blog, book, tweet, song, poetry, or spokenword/monologue film, vlog or video.

Again none of this is about pointing the finger or creating hate, shame or blame for anybody because that does not help me heal! 

Everyone has a right to heal we are all here on a journey! 

Therefore, I commit to donating and dedicating my time and money to opening up and sharing my internal life experiences through literature, poetry, song, spokenword, and blog etc! 

My experience has been that I tell the truth, tell it like it is... then get pulled and dragged in every direction as a result, as though I had never had the right to say I have been hurt, or that I am flawed! Which may be because others may not be able to face up to the abuses that they may have been forced to go through possibly without realising they were even being abused at the time, or possibly not even knowing they would go from that experience to react abusively themselves. Therefore, as a result wrongly or correctly something in their personal experience has become attached too and synonymous with my name and my life as a result, as well as to my reactions, and my way of being myself, or not being myself especially as an older person which gives rise within them...feelings of a right of entitlement to stalk me, trespass into my home, intrude in upon my privacy, raid my peace raid my truth, and continually spread rumors and gossip they have created in the damage of their own minds due to their own abuse which continually reminds me of my own days of rage and hate during and after experiences of incest, and worst of all my very naive foray into trying to find love and do that thing referred to as relationships which just didn't work out. I moved on but did they?

One way or another this thing that has carried on is going to heal its way out of me, and others, if they let it, and can relate and resonate to my experiences and the words I use to face up to the devastation from attacks of male and female rape that incest makes...and I must emphasise not willingly! (The effects rape can have on you as a survivor is not something you willingly want to experience alot of involuntary effects occur unless you have the knowledge to understand what and how to find a way to heal!)

It becomes something else in my opinion when after you have grown up and left the beds of where as a child such destruction was structured as an internal family experiences...you are then not allowed to live freely because somebody must arrange to follow you or have you followed everywhere to check you are kept in check, or back in line with where the days of rape was set. That includes all the strangers that turn up around you because somebody else has sent them to you! That also includes all those who may well be well intended, but may not have realised the truth or extent of your abuses to realise that...though they once knew you, or may have even grown up with you that doesn't entitle you to them or them to you! Some survivors of abuse need time, need space, and new and unrelated scenery, scenes, and people unrelated to the abuse and trauma they once knew to be able to grow up and become independent of the abusive experiences. Though that in itself may hurt, offend, and cause ongoing traumas which can cause people to stalk that person/survivor!

These sessions are not going to be pretty, nice, comfortable, or new. 

All I know is...if I do not begin to explore and confront myself within what this has done to my life and worst yet the life of others close to me, I or we will never be free. 

For so long I couldn't see that these people turning up around me may also have been possibly hurt by us as a family or me as an individual whilst under the influence of my family, or otherwise. Just as I as an individual or we as a family had possibly been hurt by them. It stunts you abuse does and can stop you from speaking out. Therefore, it becomes a whole other journey just to heal and become strong enough just to be able say what went on during abusive days and phases. Even if you spend all day communicating. Being able to describe or even translate abuse feels like it can use up whole other area of energy, and mentality. Which is why the pleasure centres of the brain which creates areas of business and society can all to easily overshadow the real damning issues of the far reaching effects of abuse!

I became so meshed in the distraction which being stalked by others created. I almost feel like I had lost all rational and ability to think at different angles. As well as being energetically battered in broad daylight in public for so long, by so many people. I almost became numb to my own level of emotional, and spiritual consciousness!

That alone re-ignited all the old memories and feelings incest had left!

 

So now I am back to a place of begin again not that there is anything wrong with beginning again, it is the change life in general requires.

Who wants to hurt?

Who wants to be hurt?

I tell yah, incest in itself can breed a need for alot of warped pleasures, true or false?

In an informal non-clinical format it is the areas of inevitability that I want to find a personal breakthrough for myself in, whilst here.

That word 'family' that so much is tasked too. Sold and merchandised, held onto like it is the be all and end all of all social ills. How true is that really? When so many of us have gone on to live wounded from our experience within it. The term 'family' probably works best or sees success in areas of natural compatibility between people when wellness is obviously much stronger than any personality disorder or any traumatic event or person. True or False?

As part of my internal processing journey. I have felt that the term family is gone on about and spoken about as though no other characteristics abide with in it. How much of a role does untreatable brain damage play in whether you survive to live another day without being abused  or not? 

Under the word family which explains or names the process of sharing the same parents. Pushed and thrust at so many of us to obey unequivocally it would appear, at times without much forethought or care for what might be sadistic narcissistic mysognistic disorders which lurk and threaten or threatened our very existence on a daily basis as we were forced to abide by the social persuasions toward family being the most commonly accepted form, and way of togetherness. Whilst in abuse especially as an infant child you were basically told you were not suffering because somehow you were the probelm. It is therefore hard for you to analyze who is suffering as a result of a cruel person who cannot be controlled especially because of the authorities they hold over you as carer/guardian/teacher/parent in any form even though you know you are being hurt, mislead, or have been hurt, and continually mislead by the cruelty, stealth, and ongoing creative manipulations of another!

I felt like I knew real life. But such is what I call a very private memory of my young life...

Whilst my childhood was tactile enough for me to grow up connected to the need ability and skill to try and be as fiecrcely independent as possible according to studies carried out which showed that children who had alot of cuddles growing up tended not to be as dependant, as children that did not. I felt like and remember I also experienced alot of sudden rejection, and abandonment as I did human contact. Both went together as a medley of hate rage and developed into forms of mildish addictions, but supposedly that was also part of what made up love? Thankfully, I am no longer a heavish cigerette smoker!

I felt I knew life

I felt like something was being spoken into my life. 

I knew there was somewhere else in my mind where I could go to create. A place which will be safe for me, and I will always be ok there. It was the strongest sense and feeling I used to have. A knowing that there just had to be somewhere else. A small space in time where I could quickly connect with the entire universe.

I would hold on to that level of delusion imagination truth or the affect of brain damage or attention deficit disorder for almost all of my life.  Especially when chastised to the point of deepening humiliation as punishments felt like continually torture mixed with an authorative need for me to feel and be swalled up and drowned in the deepest feelings of ongoing shame, and the deepest depth of continual rath upon my very soul till it penetrated me, to the point I could only think of the hate they wish me to feel and never heal....until it had all permeated my body chest heart and lungs. I would climb away into my clothes wardrobe whilst I lived at home knowing everybody around me was a stranger to me, and even that has its place within brain function or damage. Yet, I could not help but learn and yearn to be thoroughly changed from within by what they had to teach me through the way they had treated me. Though, I knew there were ways and no doubt things within me I just couldn't change until I could grow up, and not succumb to defending myself by the same means will I have the time or a future, and eventually money of my own, away from them all!

(My abuse became my identity and my fashion as my image was as named as though strong...stocky...quick witted slow, delayed, and streetwise no I wasn't! Though not defined as sn abused child all of the time. It was during a time when even if people did listen the depth and despair of the pain lived had not enough resources to change everything, nor reach us all. The abused children fashionably abused and excused into industries that still repackages that abuse!)

Inside the Family

Though it looked like laughter and compatibilty and admittedly more often than not it was whilst as time went by it became more apparent it was possible to be nicer to each other, and actually care for each other, have respect for each other as the natural evolution of self-discovery, discussion, and self-exploration occured. That was not always the case. There were many horrible moments and days and instances when no one could be nice or good to each other. There was a very natural pattern to speak about each other and respond to each other in the most stinkest of  ways...and make no mistake it would crush, and hurt us, all equally as individuals probably more than we were capable of realising at the time.  Especially, as the realisation dawned on some of us that we were dealing with illnesses and circumstances that we couldn't fully understand, fix or reason with, let alone treat or even show any softness, tenderness, gentleness, or understanding about.  We nor the bible could even treat those bitter hurtfilled years. 

Years of suppression and oppression saw me into flights of absolute verbal rage eventually as I exploded into frustrations whilst being incapable of being educated fully, free to begin financially, or even be fully financially or emotionally responsible, or fully educated. The combinations of all abuses morphed and shaped us all no matter its origin...whether we chose to acknowledge it, or not. As life moved on, quite naturally it revealed how each individuals ability to manage life as a survivor would pan out in the choices each individual made, and in the friendships each individual did, or did not make. All of that would go on to become a reflection of what did stay within us affecting us, and the way we treated others, and what did not stay with us, or come naturally to us in the way we learnt, or left to respond. There would be no escape from where the truth originally came from. Be that damage before birth, or after birth!

There was very hurtful ways of speaking. What appeared to be a blind acceptances of what was posed as the truth, but was actually abuse! There appeared to be no questions let alone knowledge about any of the areas of injuries due to all varying kinds of violence inflicted or what that would eventually expose, and nothing or not much adaptable knowledge about the brain or what damage to it would lead too, or the mental health problems that would cause, and how that would affect how we treated each other. There was also of knowledge and learning generally about holistic treatments that would be needed for general physical health. But then nothing much about person to person  treatment or all those dark stink and crushing moments of damaging communications that continually occured some of which were deliberately inflicted by a style of teachings to enforce it would appear, to stunt forms of independence at that time. But such is the view from under much pain which would need alot of targeted, and detailed treatment just to know the difference between Love and forced togetherness. Family does not equate Love! Health does!

In Concluding!

These days you can ask a person a collection of questions to get some indication as to what is going on in that persons mind and how that maybe present due to the injury in that persons brain, which will allow you to gain an insight into what that person has suffered. But for their screaming cries that become ever so silent... how in the hell would you ever accurately know?

We live in a world which can print its own money but yet there does not appear to be enough to go around?

Yet as human beings the facilities we create are our reflections. But which part of the mind is at play when poverty abounds? Yet, we print our own money but yet it is devalued if printed unpunctually yet there is not enough money printed in the world to stop poverty going around, is that damaged thinking?

Money printing just got me to thinking not that I like to do that much...think that is! But since I have nowhere else to go but into this rich history of incest...it just made me ask about how far mental damage goes unseen as damage? Because I seen and felt my own rape suffocation and humiliation as a child so hard, which to be honest appeared to affect my financial belief system, and ability amongst other things because my brains natural ability is the master of all cause and effect in my life. 

But, what was I supposed to know? My original reaction was  to fight back and become a rogus rebel against an authority which was clearly unwell in the house I was brought up in. I was born as a baby, and it would almost  seem to be typical that God or the devil for that matter never taught me about money or about mortage brokers or about savings before I came down or up from heaven or hell...flew out and landed from somewhere into this cradle which led me into incestuous hell.

(I have noticed I prefer to mention more about money first in areas of this blog than about the full truth of emotion...hmmm!)

I need to heal some how. 

What is behind this thing call greed when people are properly in need?

It cross my mind to begin to ask if I am committed to being dedicated to overcoming incest, and what am I doing which is stopping me from healing?

I already know there are a number of things which I would have prefered to have had done. But connected to my own personal journey how many of the larger decisions made externally to me by those I don't know...are still vibrating rape, incest, back to me? Maybe stupid questions considering slavery at this point in 2020?

Just looking at the laws of the universe which are neutral and natural...some people commit to do things don't they? People commit to guiding themselves away from destruction, bad habits, addiction, a negative person. So, I recently figured I probably should do the same?

That realisation took me right back to the times when I was probably just in secondary school? I would go into the big newsagents and learn about popular figures so I could select one so I could join into everybody elses conversation at school...another way of setting yourself up for even more rejection at school. As an adult I now realise how lucrative being the one that sticks out at school can be. But I didn't quite get it back then, and tried to force myself to fit in even though I was not happy, and was not being loyal, and true to myself.  I plucked out two men. It only  occured to me the other day what those choices possibly meant back then, but shows me now. Unwittingly as a young girl there hadn't been a departure from what I had known before. It was just packaged differently. A different looking set of circumstances had brought me back to the same place. In one of my choices I had still gravitated toward a form of incest even whilst trying to be cool! 

Not a bad thing

But not exactly good for me if I was to become grown and truly heal every part of my being of the destruction, and building process incest has been to me! 

But it is not so for everyone in incest...and I think that is where alot of people don't understand why some of their families are the way they are, and why forcing people to be together under the heading family is, or can be a very cruel.

It is not in impossible for individuals to be treated so bad that they become unfamilied from their blood families, just as it is not possible to completely healed from your families trauma that you bare no more connections, resemblance, or compatibility to who they are in the present, or to you in your past!

Ever seen one of those massive clock cog wheels of industrial mechanical portions before clocks became digital and flipped a number to tell the time?

Every one of those cogs on a clock wheel with just a minute told by a tiny spike movement...I remind myself...is a thought and feeling of compassionate understanding I maybe should have experienced or learnt to have had or maybe should have been able to feel or give to either myself or someone else? 

Maybe, if at the time when I was being taught how to tell the time I was also taught that each minute of time is connected to how my brain functions I may have turned out differently, true or false?

Not everyones brain can natutrally stop skidding quay passed emotion landing only on the apparent or not so apparent solution. 

Today and probably back in the day those cogs are now solutions in business, and hospitality etc

It is with caution that each and every considerate part of that clock cogging that suffering and pain can stop or maybe in the future will be able to stop resurfacing!

Natural  Flowism

A Freedom of Being!

Love and Light in Time!

 

(This Blog was Re-edited 09/06/2020 previously created more like draft notes in rough filled with errors. Thank for stopping by and reading my work. I hope it is now more understandable and digestable.  Much Appreciated and Many Thanks)

Lavinia

@naturalflowism

A Freedom of Being!

www.naturalflowism.com

 

A Poem in a Song - I Clap for You!

Everyday I clap Yah

Even though you can't see me

For every life you praise

By caring so deeply

Everyday I clap for you

Even though it can't be seen

My hands in my heart

Clapping Gratefully!

Frontline Workers

I Thank You

For being the ones in front of everybody

Never in the backline

But the strength and force behind us all Globally!

Thank You

Thank You

Thank You

And May all Your Strengths and Resourcefulness be Strengthen too!

Natural Flowism

A Freedom of Being!

08/05/20/08:06