(The Q&A will not all be that visible as q&a but as a form of Alternative Training this blog can be used as research. Please note all questions are retorical only! Please do not stalk me to try answer them!)
This is the second time I am starting this blog because I had literally just felt healed by writing the first draft which I didn't get a chance to save because the phone locked up and became burning hot. I pressed restart and lost the entire draft!
(Now that gives way to me updating this blog all day long)
I became stuck as to where the side of my business which relies on my personal experience and inner healing being the content maker behind the business, was supposed to go next. Healing from abuse in a family context has become the driving force for freedom within all other areas of my life, including business. All of which is created for the purposes of personal growth to create changes in the present, and in the future for betterment. I became stuck as to where my literature should go next. In fact, I was trying not to write for a while...and I ended up feeling so clogged up, exhausted, and broken down!
I just could not hide from any of it any longer. Not that I was ever trying too!
Life happens
You have got to make a living!
Time goes by
Thoughts and feelings go a rye and then you end up feeling warn out, spent, weakend, and possibly even addicted, if you cannot unplug what you have become all clogged up about! With at times nowhere to go but bitterness, hate, rage, and that which can mean all out damage! Damage which can eat craters into your body, your energetic system, and most of all your mind and your brain which is an extremely important area and vital organ of your overall good health!
This is live view style
Just like a book in progress real feed from me as I tackle all of my demons which I have wrongly or correctly attached or have experienced due to incest or my own brain health.
The whole point of all my work is that I heal and get better even if I am sharing each level of my healing publicly be that by blog, book, tweet, song, poetry, or spokenword/monologue film, vlog or video.
Again none of this is about pointing the finger or creating hate, shame or blame for anybody because that does not help me heal!
Everyone has a right to heal we are all here on a journey!
Therefore, I commit to donating and dedicating my time and money to opening up and sharing my internal life experiences through literature, poetry, song, spokenword, and blog etc!
My experience has been that I tell the truth, tell it like it is... then get pulled and dragged in every direction as a result, as though I had never had the right to say I have been hurt, or that I am flawed! Which may be because others may not be able to face up to the abuses that they may have been forced to go through possibly without realising they were even being abused at the time, or possibly not even knowing they would go from that experience to react abusively themselves. Therefore, as a result wrongly or correctly something in their personal experience has become attached too and synonymous with my name and my life as a result, as well as to my reactions, and my way of being myself, or not being myself especially as an older person which gives rise within them...feelings of a right of entitlement to stalk me, trespass into my home, intrude in upon my privacy, raid my peace raid my truth, and continually spread rumors and gossip they have created in the damage of their own minds due to their own abuse which continually reminds me of my own days of rage and hate during and after experiences of incest, and worst of all my very naive foray into trying to find love and do that thing referred to as relationships which just didn't work out. I moved on but did they?
One way or another this thing that has carried on is going to heal its way out of me, and others, if they let it, and can relate and resonate to my experiences and the words I use to face up to the devastation from attacks of male and female rape that incest makes...and I must emphasise not willingly! (The effects rape can have on you as a survivor is not something you willingly want to experience alot of involuntary effects occur unless you have the knowledge to understand what and how to find a way to heal!)
It becomes something else in my opinion when after you have grown up and left the beds of where as a child such destruction was structured as an internal family experiences...you are then not allowed to live freely because somebody must arrange to follow you or have you followed everywhere to check you are kept in check, or back in line with where the days of rape was set. That includes all the strangers that turn up around you because somebody else has sent them to you! That also includes all those who may well be well intended, but may not have realised the truth or extent of your abuses to realise that...though they once knew you, or may have even grown up with you that doesn't entitle you to them or them to you! Some survivors of abuse need time, need space, and new and unrelated scenery, scenes, and people unrelated to the abuse and trauma they once knew to be able to grow up and become independent of the abusive experiences. Though that in itself may hurt, offend, and cause ongoing traumas which can cause people to stalk that person/survivor!
These sessions are not going to be pretty, nice, comfortable, or new.
All I know is...if I do not begin to explore and confront myself within what this has done to my life and worst yet the life of others close to me, I or we will never be free.
For so long I couldn't see that these people turning up around me may also have been possibly hurt by us as a family or me as an individual whilst under the influence of my family, or otherwise. Just as I as an individual or we as a family had possibly been hurt by them. It stunts you abuse does and can stop you from speaking out. Therefore, it becomes a whole other journey just to heal and become strong enough just to be able say what went on during abusive days and phases. Even if you spend all day communicating. Being able to describe or even translate abuse feels like it can use up whole other area of energy, and mentality. Which is why the pleasure centres of the brain which creates areas of business and society can all to easily overshadow the real damning issues of the far reaching effects of abuse!
I became so meshed in the distraction which being stalked by others created. I almost feel like I had lost all rational and ability to think at different angles. As well as being energetically battered in broad daylight in public for so long, by so many people. I almost became numb to my own level of emotional, and spiritual consciousness!
That alone re-ignited all the old memories and feelings incest had left!
So now I am back to a place of begin again not that there is anything wrong with beginning again, it is the change life in general requires.
Who wants to hurt?
Who wants to be hurt?
I tell yah, incest in itself can breed a need for alot of warped pleasures, true or false?
In an informal non-clinical format it is the areas of inevitability that I want to find a personal breakthrough for myself in, whilst here.
That word 'family' that so much is tasked too. Sold and merchandised, held onto like it is the be all and end all of all social ills. How true is that really? When so many of us have gone on to live wounded from our experience within it. The term 'family' probably works best or sees success in areas of natural compatibility between people when wellness is obviously much stronger than any personality disorder or any traumatic event or person. True or False?
As part of my internal processing journey. I have felt that the term family is gone on about and spoken about as though no other characteristics abide with in it. How much of a role does untreatable brain damage play in whether you survive to live another day without being abused or not?
Under the word family which explains or names the process of sharing the same parents. Pushed and thrust at so many of us to obey unequivocally it would appear, at times without much forethought or care for what might be sadistic narcissistic mysognistic disorders which lurk and threaten or threatened our very existence on a daily basis as we were forced to abide by the social persuasions toward family being the most commonly accepted form, and way of togetherness. Whilst in abuse especially as an infant child you were basically told you were not suffering because somehow you were the probelm. It is therefore hard for you to analyze who is suffering as a result of a cruel person who cannot be controlled especially because of the authorities they hold over you as carer/guardian/teacher/parent in any form even though you know you are being hurt, mislead, or have been hurt, and continually mislead by the cruelty, stealth, and ongoing creative manipulations of another!
I felt like I knew real life. But such is what I call a very private memory of my young life...
Whilst my childhood was tactile enough for me to grow up connected to the need ability and skill to try and be as fiecrcely independent as possible according to studies carried out which showed that children who had alot of cuddles growing up tended not to be as dependant, as children that did not. I felt like and remember I also experienced alot of sudden rejection, and abandonment as I did human contact. Both went together as a medley of hate rage and developed into forms of mildish addictions, but supposedly that was also part of what made up love? Thankfully, I am no longer a heavish cigerette smoker!
I felt I knew life
I felt like something was being spoken into my life.
I knew there was somewhere else in my mind where I could go to create. A place which will be safe for me, and I will always be ok there. It was the strongest sense and feeling I used to have. A knowing that there just had to be somewhere else. A small space in time where I could quickly connect with the entire universe.
I would hold on to that level of delusion imagination truth or the affect of brain damage or attention deficit disorder for almost all of my life. Especially when chastised to the point of deepening humiliation as punishments felt like continually torture mixed with an authorative need for me to feel and be swalled up and drowned in the deepest feelings of ongoing shame, and the deepest depth of continual rath upon my very soul till it penetrated me, to the point I could only think of the hate they wish me to feel and never heal....until it had all permeated my body chest heart and lungs. I would climb away into my clothes wardrobe whilst I lived at home knowing everybody around me was a stranger to me, and even that has its place within brain function or damage. Yet, I could not help but learn and yearn to be thoroughly changed from within by what they had to teach me through the way they had treated me. Though, I knew there were ways and no doubt things within me I just couldn't change until I could grow up, and not succumb to defending myself by the same means will I have the time or a future, and eventually money of my own, away from them all!
(My abuse became my identity and my fashion as my image was as named as though strong...stocky...quick witted slow, delayed, and streetwise no I wasn't! Though not defined as sn abused child all of the time. It was during a time when even if people did listen the depth and despair of the pain lived had not enough resources to change everything, nor reach us all. The abused children fashionably abused and excused into industries that still repackages that abuse!)
Inside the Family
Though it looked like laughter and compatibilty and admittedly more often than not it was whilst as time went by it became more apparent it was possible to be nicer to each other, and actually care for each other, have respect for each other as the natural evolution of self-discovery, discussion, and self-exploration occured. That was not always the case. There were many horrible moments and days and instances when no one could be nice or good to each other. There was a very natural pattern to speak about each other and respond to each other in the most stinkest of ways...and make no mistake it would crush, and hurt us, all equally as individuals probably more than we were capable of realising at the time. Especially, as the realisation dawned on some of us that we were dealing with illnesses and circumstances that we couldn't fully understand, fix or reason with, let alone treat or even show any softness, tenderness, gentleness, or understanding about. We nor the bible could even treat those bitter hurtfilled years.
Years of suppression and oppression saw me into flights of absolute verbal rage eventually as I exploded into frustrations whilst being incapable of being educated fully, free to begin financially, or even be fully financially or emotionally responsible, or fully educated. The combinations of all abuses morphed and shaped us all no matter its origin...whether we chose to acknowledge it, or not. As life moved on, quite naturally it revealed how each individuals ability to manage life as a survivor would pan out in the choices each individual made, and in the friendships each individual did, or did not make. All of that would go on to become a reflection of what did stay within us affecting us, and the way we treated others, and what did not stay with us, or come naturally to us in the way we learnt, or left to respond. There would be no escape from where the truth originally came from. Be that damage before birth, or after birth!
There was very hurtful ways of speaking. What appeared to be a blind acceptances of what was posed as the truth, but was actually abuse! There appeared to be no questions let alone knowledge about any of the areas of injuries due to all varying kinds of violence inflicted or what that would eventually expose, and nothing or not much adaptable knowledge about the brain or what damage to it would lead too, or the mental health problems that would cause, and how that would affect how we treated each other. There was also of knowledge and learning generally about holistic treatments that would be needed for general physical health. But then nothing much about person to person treatment or all those dark stink and crushing moments of damaging communications that continually occured some of which were deliberately inflicted by a style of teachings to enforce it would appear, to stunt forms of independence at that time. But such is the view from under much pain which would need alot of targeted, and detailed treatment just to know the difference between Love and forced togetherness. Family does not equate Love! Health does!
In Concluding!
These days you can ask a person a collection of questions to get some indication as to what is going on in that persons mind and how that maybe present due to the injury in that persons brain, which will allow you to gain an insight into what that person has suffered. But for their screaming cries that become ever so silent... how in the hell would you ever accurately know?
We live in a world which can print its own money but yet there does not appear to be enough to go around?
Yet as human beings the facilities we create are our reflections. But which part of the mind is at play when poverty abounds? Yet, we print our own money but yet it is devalued if printed unpunctually yet there is not enough money printed in the world to stop poverty going around, is that damaged thinking?
Money printing just got me to thinking not that I like to do that much...think that is! But since I have nowhere else to go but into this rich history of incest...it just made me ask about how far mental damage goes unseen as damage? Because I seen and felt my own rape suffocation and humiliation as a child so hard, which to be honest appeared to affect my financial belief system, and ability amongst other things because my brains natural ability is the master of all cause and effect in my life.
But, what was I supposed to know? My original reaction was to fight back and become a rogus rebel against an authority which was clearly unwell in the house I was brought up in. I was born as a baby, and it would almost seem to be typical that God or the devil for that matter never taught me about money or about mortage brokers or about savings before I came down or up from heaven or hell...flew out and landed from somewhere into this cradle which led me into incestuous hell.
(I have noticed I prefer to mention more about money first in areas of this blog than about the full truth of emotion...hmmm!)
I need to heal some how.
What is behind this thing call greed when people are properly in need?
It cross my mind to begin to ask if I am committed to being dedicated to overcoming incest, and what am I doing which is stopping me from healing?
I already know there are a number of things which I would have prefered to have had done. But connected to my own personal journey how many of the larger decisions made externally to me by those I don't know...are still vibrating rape, incest, back to me? Maybe stupid questions considering slavery at this point in 2020?
Just looking at the laws of the universe which are neutral and natural...some people commit to do things don't they? People commit to guiding themselves away from destruction, bad habits, addiction, a negative person. So, I recently figured I probably should do the same?
That realisation took me right back to the times when I was probably just in secondary school? I would go into the big newsagents and learn about popular figures so I could select one so I could join into everybody elses conversation at school...another way of setting yourself up for even more rejection at school. As an adult I now realise how lucrative being the one that sticks out at school can be. But I didn't quite get it back then, and tried to force myself to fit in even though I was not happy, and was not being loyal, and true to myself. I plucked out two men. It only occured to me the other day what those choices possibly meant back then, but shows me now. Unwittingly as a young girl there hadn't been a departure from what I had known before. It was just packaged differently. A different looking set of circumstances had brought me back to the same place. In one of my choices I had still gravitated toward a form of incest even whilst trying to be cool!
Not a bad thing
But not exactly good for me if I was to become grown and truly heal every part of my being of the destruction, and building process incest has been to me!
But it is not so for everyone in incest...and I think that is where alot of people don't understand why some of their families are the way they are, and why forcing people to be together under the heading family is, or can be a very cruel.
It is not in impossible for individuals to be treated so bad that they become unfamilied from their blood families, just as it is not possible to completely healed from your families trauma that you bare no more connections, resemblance, or compatibility to who they are in the present, or to you in your past!
Ever seen one of those massive clock cog wheels of industrial mechanical portions before clocks became digital and flipped a number to tell the time?
Every one of those cogs on a clock wheel with just a minute told by a tiny spike movement...I remind myself...is a thought and feeling of compassionate understanding I maybe should have experienced or learnt to have had or maybe should have been able to feel or give to either myself or someone else?
Maybe, if at the time when I was being taught how to tell the time I was also taught that each minute of time is connected to how my brain functions I may have turned out differently, true or false?
Not everyones brain can natutrally stop skidding quay passed emotion landing only on the apparent or not so apparent solution.
Today and probably back in the day those cogs are now solutions in business, and hospitality etc
It is with caution that each and every considerate part of that clock cogging that suffering and pain can stop or maybe in the future will be able to stop resurfacing!
Natural Flowism
A Freedom of Being!
Love and Light in Time!
(This Blog was Re-edited 09/06/2020 previously created more like draft notes in rough filled with errors. Thank for stopping by and reading my work. I hope it is now more understandable and digestable. Much Appreciated and Many Thanks)
Lavinia
@naturalflowism
A Freedom of Being!
www.naturalflowism.com
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