A work in Progress...
I cannot tell you...as if I am speaking to somebody else...how Thankful and Grateful I am to be awake this morning!This may not be an easy read or blog to write especially given the mass grief being endured at this time during the Covid-19 global pandemic.
However, I am grateful to be able to follow the leads in the title at this time...and my heart and thoughts are with all those who are losing or have lost loved ones. For your strength may heaven and earth open and bestow you with all you need to continually heal, survive, and be strong.
I will continually publish this blog unfinished because if I don't I lose the content. It has not been possible to save and hold content in draft.
This blog was created as another live view. Every few paragraphs published!
What I publish here is the non-clinical version of my memories, perceptions, and descriptions of my experiences during the very earliest parts of my childhood. Experienced among blood relatives. Where patterns of all kinds, and levels of torturous violence including child labour had been established as normal, a very, very long time before I and my parents were even born!
None of my childhood was experienced away from home in any kind of institution as far as I can remember though visits to the Doctor, Hospitals,
and Outpatient Clinics were all part of my childhood experiences. Gratefully, and Thankfully So!
It is never an easy thing or a light decision to make to choose to write about abuse in a family context. Or feel you have to do so just to save yourself, and help yourself survive from whatever continuum of abuses occur, may be, or become!
Within my work I refer to my own childhood experiences when referencing family relating I relate to my own childhood of abuse prior to pregnancy in my late teens, and Motherhood from my twenties.
It is a hard road to travel make no mistake about that, but not because it is has to be that way. It equally needn't be hard at all!
However, it can feel like it is never over!
You get away. But then, you need to figure out how to make the best but sometimes hard decisions about how you are going to stay away, and be able to survive by always trying to find the most independent decisions for yourself which will continually change and heal you, and your life into a better time and space which is much clearer, and much, more truthful better place than from where the abuse you were forced to endure, and suffer originated from.
Whether you like it or not you were hurt, and sadly enough unintentionally and unwittingly for some survivors of abuse just by the share act of survival you may end up inevitably hurting someone else. Not necessarily by a deliberate or violent act of harm. But just by the way you had to move on, to get on with your own life!
Sadly, there are going to be alot of people inbetween that moment when you needed to move on that you end up unintentionally hurting. Not because you want too hurt them.. But if you are young and very niave yourself, you may not have any other strategy other than symptoms such as oppositionsl defiance and ignorance to protect yourself by, or survive with!
Even if you had grown up with people, and knew them your whole life before moving on. Does not mean they know or have the capacity to understand your exeperiences of abuse. Some of the people inbetween you staying put or moving on may get hurt bcause they just don't understand your childhood experience, are incapable of understanding such truth or just do no know the full story, and again they also may not be well enough too!
Re-editing will continue after this point.
I am hedging a guess that my energy may stick around on this page for awhile.
I made a point almost 30 years ago now to go and get help for the rape/sexual incest I had experienced. I was fearful for the effects of that will have on my ability as a parent.
That kind of therapy enabled me to gain enough confidence to get ahead. Because prior to achieving a self-referral. My mind and nervous system was boggling out of control.
I was living in Notting Hill in West London in the mid to late 1980's. I was ambitious and just beginning to find myself, as an individual whilst also negotiating Mothethood which I absolutely loved.
After I had worked through sessions of rape crisis group counselling, I felt it was so good and so informative. I literally felt I could take on the world, in my personal world. As a lone parent felt I could see our pathway ahead much more clearly. But that was true only for a certain amount of time.
In hindsight there was alot I didn't see or take into consideration. Simply because I was too young, trusting, and incredibly niave as a result.
During sessions with the group I met other survivors. Heard stories of women and men who couldn't ever escape or get away from the families members they were raped by, not only as a child but by males in the families who still continued to hold onto their lives in a need to continue to rape, so even their days of childhood abuse was never over because there seemed to be no way out for them to heal. The rapists mind couldn't not change which may mean brain care and also the area of other disorders mentally/personality were prolonging suffering and inhibiting, and debilitating the ability to get effective help and support for the long term from being depending by the same family members who had also abused.
The effects of my early life on me as an individual and as a Mother has never stop having some kind effect on our lives!
It has continued to dominate me everyday even though I had left home. At times it was easy to constantly work so I could get out of the home, try and earn somekind of money, and try and have some fun as a family, and in my younger date and hopefully find a way to find a man I could happily love. At that point in my young life thankfully I had not known the full extent of the hatred of a stalker. I still had enough strength and belief somebody good true healthy and honest will come my way.
I manage to create and have some happiness which I am so grateful for.
It is not that I am not aware that life is challenging generally for everybody. So many other people are facing worse than what I have ever known. I learnt that in Rape Crisis Group counselling. Which instilled so much Compassion within me toward what others were forced to face and Gratitude to realise to be able to have survived what I had been forced through!
I write as a self-portrait artist refering always to myself and my own experience and abuse in a family context. I choose to use myself and my life as an example and basis for my own healing and research, and I hope and pray that my life experience what I have learnt and am yet to learn can inspire the life journey of others, hopefully to not suffer as I did.
So whilst my writings may come across as me-me or she is only thinking about herself. Yes! I am! That is what this Self-Potrait Artist does! Not to be Selfish but to be open and strong enough to show it is possible to be weak enough to admit you are challenged, or are being challenged, and are still weak enough to be strong enough to overcome all that challenges!
Living in a Sun room I have no complaints. Except I wish I could pick it up and take it all to some other place.
Where?
Somewhere where I do not hear what sounds like a timely siren.
Is that referring to those who carry large boom boxes in sports bags?
Yes!
Recently, I sat pouring over old photos of my younger days when I was so in awe of life a time spanning 1980's and the 1990's. I was searching myself to find where the emotional connection was. Where had I placed my emotional connectors?
For too long I have not been a get up and get fully dressed and be ready to start the day type of person at all. Though I never wanted to be the kind of survivor which a stalker could orientate. That is exactly, it feels like what has occurred! The emphasis being on the "feels like" that is not truth but it does burgen on a part of my reality!
So where were my emotional connectors or where did I derive or emerge in emotional connection?
I was probably the closest child to my Mother at one time. I spent a lot of time away from school sitting by my late Mothers side as she sewed what seemed like a neighbourhood and church community full of clothes designs. She never received enough credit for her creative brilliance though I did at least try to tell her as much. As I research my past with the Intention of healing myself in the present. I am now so grateful I realised and remembered the years and copius hours I sat beside my late Mothers side as child as she talked endlessly about all the years of her own abuse. Though as a child I did not fully realise tgat is what she was talking about. I perceived her experiences as being life in general and not effects of diseased damaged defective behaviour which needed to receive some kind of treatment. She had lived through an absolute hell which everytime I think of it now there just aren't enough words to explain. Little did I know her hell and the things she said to me would be like a premonition for my own life.
...and again that is my perception of my own life. I am just talking on my own life as an individual. I am fully aware that what say or remember at this point in my life may or may not havd a wider affect possibly on others. But there is no intention to be attacking as there is nothing to be gained in attacking body for me. My early life and subsequent experiences have at times been acrimonious and complicated to say the least which has left very intense and complex feelings which needs to be processed in some way. However, I have committed yet again to another level of being free from who or what I feel has bound my life.
#edited so far
Searching myself for the emotional connections within myself is how I do it.
Especially, admist receiving noise as patterns of pestering noise nusiannces and in general negoitating abuses in others individuals as something to overcome!
Now that just didn't make a whole lot of sense.
Sitting by my Late Mothers side or being in the same room as her playing with thread bobbins during hour upon hour of creative production is a memory that fast forward from late 1960's to 2020 has long caused me conflict which I often forget is mangled with my own now creative ambitions and many failures!
Many failures to even get started or to complete a task or tasks started. That is coupled with brain related care mostly.
Sometimes going through the same or similar abuses as someone else can lead to people forming a strong bond. But not always. In my life experience it has led to all out clashes...leaving me feeling its much better for me to negotiate myself away from those still the throughs of abuse, and who also experience other issues such as being unable to let go. Gulliable to an abusers persuit not able to not respond to bribery or excessive stalker style needs which are not about love. They may not even be about attacking a person or sexual desire. But there approach, wish, or demand is very emotionally damaging and constantly emotionally abusive!
It is the invisible silent one
The intention of care that doesn't heal anyone anywhere!
Even the proclaimation of having so much money to be able to help somebody specific with...yet that person is broke and poor living humiliated accused and battered without showing who or where those bruises have come from. Their life an inspiration even if willing - though not offered up for further abuse. That person is seen as needing to bend and to be the only one who needs to mend in the social or family setting for things to be normal and run smooth again! Negating how the effects of abuse and how each individual needs to heal. The worst of that along side the constant need to intrude is the whole older thing...
"What is that...you are old now so what going to do? Cha...make take over...and then it is
back to a type of emotional or even material ownership?"
Ok im flowing and picking mistakes when i see them but obviously my brain goes to lunch often without me and takes half the alphabet proper sentences and paragraphs with it!
The good thing is whilst laughter at the wrong place and time can be very emotionally abusive leaving life long effects in others...which is no laughing matter bloopers do make for good laughs in other ways. Though it can take years to rationalise laughter or Wrong laughter. Time changes life and it can occur what was originally attached to wrong laughter can change into what no longer bothers!
I haven't forgotten this work...I just need to go over the previous part then Ill be back to tidy up...it so important to write and get things out of your system. As a result of opening these blogs I was able to feel my way to my confidence...during the writing of this blog before I stopped and went about my business see my way much clearer. Finally finished a ringtone and single. Which I am hoping will be published soon.
Before I went away just now amid writing this blog...before...literally I felt like the front of my head was continually braiding itself. I felt like I was slipping thought process. You know what that truth was...I hadn't been eating properly. I think I was suffering from some kind of extension to a panic attacks I experience before going out sometimes. I had enough food but possibly not enough fluid even though I was drinking and sipping half pints of herbal tea. I don't know feel completely fine now though despite not having had much sleep, but a hearty breakfast consisting of blue berries 1st a banans 2nd strawberries 3rd raspberries 4th x2 pots of fruit based no sugar no fat yoghurt topped with chocoatle granola and a sprinkling of almond, pecan, and brazil nuts followed by 3 slices of bacon microwaved then topped with chopped spring onion and tomato microwaved then put olive oil in a bowl then crumbled veggie cube for seasoning 1st then put sourdough bread on top olive oil and sprinkled veggie cube the cracked 2 eggs on top of bread and then added a little more olive oil to help cook it in microwave on lowish setting for about a 1:10 minutes, then added bacon with tomato and spring onion on top the egg and bread! Tasted great just added a couple of twist of dry mixed peppercorns and I was away. Not suggesting this as a healthy meal. My portions maybe have been to large...but I do feel like I have eaten just enough and not too much...so grateful for food...
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